What Do Women (Really) Want?

I believe we have something in common.

I will be using “adult language” in this blog, so if you’re a sensitive little snowflake, this is your warning.

Female libido is complex.  We tend to put most of the blame for low sex drive on hormone changes, or stress, but there’s something else you just have to know.

Your clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings.

8,000.

Why is this significant?

The penis has 4,000.  Yet, in the act of heterosexual relations, the penis gets all the attention.  

8,000 nerve endings that serve no purpose whatsoever except to experience pleasure.  

It’s like you go into your garage and you expect to see your old, broken down car.  Then, like in a dream, you go out and you see a brand new, shiny Lamborghini.  “Oh, my gosh, I didn’t even know this was here!”  

But how do you drive it?  What if you crash?  What if someone tries to steal it?  Don’t worry, girl, we’re going to figure all this out.

For all women, it’s time to get pussified.  The word “pussy” is usually a put-down, right?  I think it’s time for that to change.  If someone calls you a “pussy,” they mean a sign of weakness.  Pussies are definitely not weak.  Pussies are way stronger than man parts.  You barely tap a guy on his privates and he’ll drop to his knees.  Pussies take way more of a beating and recover quick.  

I say we change the meaning of “pussy” to mean something different than “weakness.”  

How about when something is “pussy,” it’s something that is delightfully feminine.  For example, last week my husband took me to a new restaurant that was SO pussy!  In other words, it was cute, the food was fabulous, and we had a great time relaxing on their patio, watching people walk by.  So pussy.  

Here’s some more examples – 

PUSSY NOT-PUSSY
using your vacation days nose-to-the-grindstone 24/7
voicing your desires nagging
dancing Netflix binges every night
bragging complaining
girls’ night out gossipping
body confidence fault-finding, guilt-tripping, and comparing
deep conversation sitting with your nose in your phone
expressing a wide array of emotions fake smiles
using the fine china everyday plasticware and fast food
owning your beauty as it is now “giving up”
staying in a relationship because it’s fun staying miserable, because you have to
flirting feeling unsafe or unsexy
your desires are right and good others know what’s best for you
shopping for clothes that look great on you keeping clothes that don’t fit
asking for what you want taking what you can get
trust that your desires will manifest in time thinking you can’t get what you want
saying ‘no’ when you don’t want to do it feeling like to HAVE to do …(whatever)
there’s enough for everyone there’s no room at the top for you

So pussy.

The past 3,000 years have ingrained a very un-pussy mindset into the world, but it’s about time to balance that back out.  It’s time to take a stand for pussy.  Pussy is completely illogical and emotional, and, “that’s OK!”  

We don’t even call our female parts the right name.  If you want to take away someone’s power, you take away their name.  Call her an unattractive nickname or just no name at all.  

What did you learn to call your lady parts as a young girl?

  • Crotch (this is what I learned; it’s such a generic-sounding word, right?  boys and girls have a “crotch”)
  • Vagina (I had taught this to my children, until I learned that this is anatomically incorrect!  The vagina is just the hole.  It literally means “sheath.”)
  • Twinkie (these are actually what some people learned to call their lady parts)
  • Minnie
  • Front Bottom
  • Privates
  • Fine China (*gag*)
  • Cookie
  • Muff
  • Down Below

and on and on and on.

If you ask a man what his parts were called growing up, he will tell you one word, “penis.”  There’s no variability.  It’s a penis, of course.  Why are we so hesitant to name the lady parts?

If you’re speaking English, because there are other names for this in other languages, it’s a vulva.  

I like the Sanskrit word “yoni” as well.  Vulva is anatomically correct.  Then when you grow up a little more, you can call it your pussy.  Vulva is a safe, practical word, but it kind of sounds like Volvo, which is a nice, safe, practical car; nothing wrong with that, but it’s not very sexy.

So we’re not given the right word for what to call our parts, which is confusing, then we’re given very conflicting information about it around puberty.  

We’re told – on one hand – that some people want us just for our pussy, and on the other hand that our pussies are revolving and gross.  They bleed, they smell, they push out babies, and they release fluid at inconvenient times.  The cycles related to our pussies are considered abnormal and we’re given medication to control them.  

When what is the most essential part of a woman is disrespected and disregarded and thought to be inconvenient and gross, women start to internalize this message.  

And even worse, we start to internalize this message regarding other women.  

We don’t trust other women.  The attractive women might take our man from us and the other women are not respected in our society.  “Women are supposed to be attractive, but not too attractive,” is the message.  WTF???  Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  

Jobs that are the most feminine are the least paid:  teachers, janitors and maids, cooks, and childcare.  But where would we be without someone doing these jobs?  They are truly the most valuable.  Think of everything a mother does for her family:  she takes care of everyone, even the man, she makes sure there’s food on the table, then she cleans up afterward, she makes sure everyone has clean clothes on, she makes sure the bills are paid, everyone gets their hair cuts, funds her IRA and kids’ college accounts, takes everyone to the doctor for regular checkups, helps the kids with their homework, and she probably even works full time too.  And does all of this willingly.  With a smile.  Graciously.  

When you can start to admire and respect what is feminine in yourself and in others, you can get in touch with your sensuality at the same time.

The masculine is logical.  The feminine is illogical.  From your pussy comes your intuition.  Your desire.  It often doesn’t make sense, but that doesn’t matter.

All of these 8,000 nerve endings are communicating to you constantly if you can tune in.  This is how you figure out what your desires even are.  It’s more than just sex, although sex is a part of it.  Desires extend way beyond the bedroom too.  

Regarding the bedroom, most women can’t even orgasm from penetration alone.  Around 75% of women need something more than vaginal penetration to fully enjoy their sexual experiences.  The only way to know how your body likes to orgasm is by, um, trying some different things!   Speak up to your partner and educate them on what you like and how to do it.  

Most partners of women are – at times (or maybe all the time) – confused by what they want.  

It’s easy.  We want to be happy!  Unfortunately, we’ve all been brainwashed to put everyone else above our needs, and work-work-work until we crash into bed every night with no ounce of sexiness left to give.  And then we’ve been brainwashed into complaining about all of this.  

If you’re a partner (man or woman) of a woman and want to please her, tell her to tell you her desires.  “What do you want?”  And then give her what she wants.  Or at least try.  You will be the happiest couple on the block.  When a woman is trained to speak her desires, and knows that her partner will do their best to provide them, she will bend herself over backward to keep that partner happy.  

Nope.

A little side note on sexual trauma and “rape culture”:  obviously, it’s never OK to take something from someone without their permission.  

Rape culture (and on that note, poverty, war, and starvation) exists in a patriarchal society that does not honor the feminine.  It is natural for a man (or woman) to be attracted to the feminine and want to enjoy it in another person.  It’s what completes them as a spiritual human being.  And women should feel free to enjoy their bodies in whatever way they want to.  When it crosses the line of disrespect, it’s when the sex is taken, not asked for.  

I think those lessons start in childhood.  As parents, we need to teach our children that it’s never OK to take something or force something on someone else.  Especially teach the boys.  And we need to defend the girls rights more.  Boys are naturally assertive and aggressive – for the most part – and that’s a natural, good thing if it’s directed in the right way.  I never forced my kids to share their toys if they didn’t want to.  I always thought that was a weird thing, asking kids to share their toys, when really, they were playing with something and some other kid comes up and tries to grab it.  That’s isn’t right.  It’s like if I’m playing on my iPhone and some other adult comes up to grab it from me.  And then my mom says, “Share, Nicole.”  LOL.  I don’t think so.  “That’s my phone!  Get your own damn phone.”  

We’re taught that impractical things are a waste of time, but that’s wrong.  

Art is not a waste of time.  Desires and longings are what make life fun.  Traveling makes no sense from a logical standpoint unless you’re traveling for work or something, but we do it for adventure and because…it’s fun.  

We need more cliteracy.  Time to become literate about your clit.  Becoming cliterate does not mean you will become “easy” or start wearing slutty clothes.  Au contrair, mon cherie. It’s about what makes you feel good.  Enjoying yourself.  When you can enjoy yourself, then you can invite others to join you.  They will want to join you.  

So what do you think?  Anything that you’d like to add to the pussy list???

I got most of my ideas for this post from the book “Pussy:  A Reclamation; by Regena Thomashauer.”  I highly recommend reading this book if you haven’t already.  It’s a real game-changer.

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1 Comment

  1. Great article – direct and informative. I feel encouraged and empowered!

    Reply

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